Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
