Banned from zoo.
Again?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You made out with two different species that night
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
