So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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