Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I cockslap morals
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
