my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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