accomplished twins. life is a go
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
