i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
