Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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