A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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