U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
