Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
