Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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