There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
