My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
