Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think I sprained my soul last night
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
