Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
