I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
