ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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