my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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