It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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