I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
