why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
