I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The adults are the big ones right?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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