Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
