Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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