My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
