I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
