My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Come on in and take your pants off
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