So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
