when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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