i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
