I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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