I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
