I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
