Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
