3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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