Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
