Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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