I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
