Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize