Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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