umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
