i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
