I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
