tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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