I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
