So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
