Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
