I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
