Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
